about the inevitability of death

Well, it has been a while, hasn't it?

It is now the year 2015! I don't usually make any new years resolutions, but I'd like to start blogging more, as it really makes me feel at ease when I can get something off of my chest. 

As some of you may know, I am a YouTube junkie. I can literally spend an entire day just watching peoples' vlogs. Does this fulfill my inherent nosiness? Does it let me live vicariously through someone else? I don't know, but it fills some kind of void in my life. 

In the past 2 or 3 months, Lynn and I have been watching some British YouTubers called Dan and Phil. Much like with Netflix and TV series', when I find a YouTuber that I like, I will binge watch their entire channel within like...a week. Which I have done with both of these (main channels and second channels, sadly). Lynn and I (and obviously millions of other people) feel that we can really relate to these humans. They are "adults" trying to adult and really just fumbling around trying to get through life (that's not an insult, the struggle is real). Now, mainly what this post is supposed to be about is something that Danisnotonfire has opened my eyes to that actually has a name, that I have been experiencing for years.

The Existential Crisis (cue dramatic music)

Dan can explain this way better than I can (so go click that link and watch his video).

Basically, an existential crisis is when you begin questioning the meaning of your existence, the universe, and the purpose of it all. I really don't want to make this religious (because I am not a religious person), so please, put away your Bibles or Torah or other religious manuscript, we can save that for another day. 

As I think Dan has mentioned in another video, people tend to think that an existential crisis is the same thing as a "mid-life" or "quarter-life" crisis. You know, that time after you graduate college with your (insert study) degree and wonder what you're supposed to do and if you've studied the right thing and how am I going to get a job? Not that.

Or how about when your life is halfway over and you have achieved nothing and don't have the money to see the world and feel satisfied before you die? Not that either.

An existential crisis is much more broad and it's not something that everyone thinks about (until now, terribly sorry). It's very easy to get sucked into a downward spiral of "what is the meaning of human life" and not know how to get out of it, because there is no, and never will be, a concrete answer. People have their opinions, religious things, and "just to be happy!" and 42, but that doesn't satisfy the gaping void in my consciousness.

From a scientific perspective, we are just a stepping stone in the evolution of a superior race that will some day walk (or hover?) somewhere in the universe. I can see that I could be somewhat satisfied with this, but it is pretty depressing. It makes me think of a quote from John Green's The Fault in Our Stars. The one where Gus says that he fears oblivion and Hazel Grace says: 

          "There will come a time when all of us are dead. All of us. There will come a time when there are no human beings remaining to remember that anyone ever existed or that our species ever did anything. There will be no one left to remember Aristotle or Cleopatra, let alone you. Everything that we did and built and wrote and thought and discovered will be forgotten and all of this will have been for naught. Maybe that time is coming soon and maybe it is millions of years away, but even if we survive the collapse of our sun, we will not survive forever. There was time before organisms experienced consciousness, and there will be time after. And if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it. God knows that’s what everyone else does."

This is very real to me, and invariably throws me into a black hole of "me and my entire species will be dead some day and we will have achieved nothing because the universe probably will have disappeared from existence." Thoughts like these really make it hard to function properly. I've had people tell me "stop being so emo." Let's think about that for a second...the term "emo" comes from the word emotional. Why yes, I am an emotional human being, just like everyone else, but I choose to express my thoughts, while some people choose to ignore the inevitability of death and that our short human lives are pointless. Okay this is getting too long. Go watch Dan's video and let me know what you think about oblivion and the void and the meaning of our existence. 

Yes, Dan, I think that ignorance really is bliss.

x Christa

P.S. Here is a recent picture of me and Lynn..."the cat whiskers come from within."

too much.

Hello there! I thought I'd do a post that's a little more personal to me. I'd like to talk a little bit about anxiety and my experience with it. I know a lot of people who struggle with anxiety, depression, and panic attacks and I just wanted to share what I've learned from it so that maybe it could help someone else. 

I don't really want to get into my childhood too much, but I think that your upbringing has a lot to do with who you are when you get older. It changes the way you interact with people and the way you see the world in general. Because of some things that I'd rather not mention, I have very limited memory from before I was about 13. According to my therapist, my brain went into survival mode and blocked out any memory that was traumatic to me. So while a lot of other kids remembered their 7th birthday party or their first day of elementary school, I have a grey cloud of nothing. There are a few things that I remember, but I don't know if I actually remember them or if I have imagined memories because someone told me about them. Anyway, as I grew and changed and came to be the person I am today, I struggled with anxiety, manic depression, and panic attacks. I think that now they've changed the term "manic depression" to "bipolar disorder" or something but I'm not sure if they are the same. 

So when I was about 14 or 15, I started seeing a psychiatrist. The first one I saw, I really didn't like very much. He fed me some antidepressants, sleeping pills, and xanax for when I had panic attacks. For a few months, I felt like a zombie. Some medicines meant to help with depression don't necessarily make you feel happy, they just make you feel nothing. So after a few months of wandering around not knowing what day it was, he changed my medicine, then the next one did nothing, so it was changed again, then I started having panic attacks, so he changed it again. Now I know that this is what a psychiatrist does, they monitor your medicine, they are not therapists and are not responsible for hearing your life story. But this particular psychiatrist didn't really seem to let me talk at all. He assumed I didn't know what I was talking about since I was so young. So since my parents weren't very fond of him either, we switched to a different psychiatrist. This happened a few times until I finally found one that I liked and was also seeing a therapist once a week. I cannot tell you how much my therapist helped me. I never really told many people that I went to therapy because I thought people would think I was crazy. That one hour session with my therapist every week just helped me to get everything off my chest. He really made me think about why I am the way I am and how things in my past have affected everything I do today. He gave me tools to help prevent panic attacks when I can feel them coming on, like counting and breathing techniques. I still struggle today with anxiety and depression, but I think that if I had not seen a doctor, I would've been a lot worse.

It's still really, really hard sometimes. Some days I still feel like giving up on everything. It's so hard to explain the feelings I have. I wanted to share something I wrote a few months ago when I was going through a tough time. It is probably the only way I could possibly explain how I feel...

Are you having suicidal thoughts? This is always one of the first questions I get asked. Of course I say no. What do I do when I go to a doctor? Act like nothing is wrong. Everything is fine. The thing about people with messed up brains is that it is so easy to fake happiness. Because we're doing it all the time. The only time I don't pretend is when I'm alone. Sometimes I forget who I am because I'm always putting on an act. If I didn't, then people would know. People would know that something isn't right. People would know that I am not hearing anything that they are saying. The noises inside my head are too loud to let anyone else in. My head is in a constant dizziness and I am always distracted. People have to yell to get my attention. I stare into space all the time, even while having a conversation with someone. I can always talk my way out of a sticky situation. We're like mental macgyvers. 

All these things that happened to me as a child and all of the things that are out of balance in my brain have manifested themselves into a deep depression that is so crippling that it leaves you hoping that you won't wake up. It is one of those things that if you don't have it, there is no possible way for you to understand how it feels. There is a looming wave of darkness that swallows you whole and keeps you underneath it's shadow. It feels like I'm drowning some days and I can't get enough air into my lungs. Some days I cry and I scream until my voice is hoarse. Other days, I am completely devoid of all emotion. The medication acts as a dimmer to turn down these feelings, but sometimes it feels like I'm just covering it up. 

So please, if you're suffering from something like this, tell someone. Even though there is not really a cure-all for it, there are ways to help and feel better at least for some of the time. I've sat here after I've written this for a long time wondering if I should post this... I just want to give a little insight if you know someone with anxiety and depression. And if that someone is you, just know that you're not alone. 

x Christa

about getting away from it all.

One of my favorite things to do when weather permits is taking a good old fashioned camping trip! So far this summer, I have been lucky enough to be on two trips to two different campgrounds in Maryland. There is something about the smell of a campfire, sleeping under the stars, and being outdoors that keeps me going back for more. Ever since I can remember, I've been going camping with my family, and they are some of the best memories I have. I love sharing these experiences with my friends and having some of the best times of my life. It may be something so simple like sitting around a campfire, but things like this really hold a special place in my heart.

The first trip I took this summer was in June. Myself, Bunky, Jerie, Jenny and Josh had a lovely 5 night stay at New Germany State Park in Grantsville, Maryland. My grandmother grew up in Grantsville and my family has been going to this park for a very long time. Apparently, my mom still has a cousin who owns a farm there, but somehow I think we may be shot on site if I showed up at his doorstep claiming to be his long lost relative. We had a lovely drive to the park and despite a few minor mishaps and car troubles on the way, we always made the best of the situation with random photo shoots at rest stops.

After arriving at our homely little campsite, we set up our tent and canopy and explored the land a bit. At night, up in the mountains of western Maryland, it gets quite cold. The second night it got down to the low 40's, so we made a trip out to the Walmart in Deep Creek to stock up on warm blankets. We had lots of fun during the day attempting to fish, kayak, paddleboat, and hike around the park. I did end up catching one tiny fish called a blue gill, but seeing the hook stuck in its lip just made me feel horrible (I know, they say they can't feel it but still). So after my traumatic experience, I decided to just feed them pringles and hotdog buns, which was good enough for me.

This trip turned out to be quite a relaxing one. I loved enjoying the weather and the nature around us. Even though it was a bit further than we normally go, the lake was beautiful and it was such a beautiful place, just like I remember. 

We just returned from another camping trip to Cunningham Falls State Park in Thurmont, Maryland where we encountered some friendly critters (and some not so friendly ones). Although it was a shorter trip than the first, it was still just as much fun! Read about our misadventures on Lynn's blog 

Until next time, remember to take some time, even if it's just a moment to have a breath of fresh air and enjoy the earth around you.

x Christa

about Paper Towns and John Green

WARNING! May contain spoilers!

Last night, I stayed up reading until 5am, as you do, and I finished the book Paper Towns by John Green. Now in my spare time, I enjoy fangirling over shows, books, movies, people, and various other things. One of these things is John Green. 

Paper Towns took me about 2 weeks from start to finish, which is pretty average for me. I didn't zoom through it, but it was one of those books that really makes you think (which is most of John Green's books). The main character of this book is named Quentin, who is a senior in high school. He has lived next to a girl named Margo Roth Speigelman ever since they were both 2 years old. The book is based in Florida in a perfect little subdivision where nothing ever goes wrong. The story begins with Quentin and Margo as kids; they were riding their bikes in a park when they find the very dead and decaying body of a man slumped against a tree. They find out that this man committed suicide and the metaphor of strings is introduced. Little Margo comes to the conclusion that "all the strings inside him broke." 

Since then, Margo and Quentin drift apart and stop being friends. That brings us to the present day of the novel when they are seniors in high school. Margo is center of the universe to everyone in the school. Although, she isn't your typical popular high school girl. She is known for playing pranks, telling people the honest truth, and running away from home. Quentin keeps to himself and has a few friends that he keeps close. The main story of the novel starts when Margo shows up at Quentin's window one night and takes him on the most grand adventure he's ever experienced. After causing all kinds of debauchery involving some of their classmates, Margo tells Quentin that she will miss hanging out with him. The next day, Margo is gone. Margo has disappeared several times before, but this time seemed a bit different to Quentin, like it was more final and real. Since she is 18, the cops cannot do anything since she had left willingly, and her parents get fed up with her shenanigans and change the locks.

The remainder of the novel is Quentin playing detective, finding clues that she has left him, and tracking down Margo Roth Speigelman. 

Throughout the search, Quentin realizes how different Margo is to every person who knows her. He thinks that he is in love with her, but he is only in love with the Margo he knows. How does he know that this is the real Margo? She displays herself differently to her family, friends, and to Quentin. Everyone who is searching for Margo comes to realize that none of them know who she really is. The only way that Quentin can find her is to find out where the real Margo Roth Speigelman would go. 

While reading this book, the things that made me think weren't so noticeable until I put the book down. The important things are subtle. There are no huge epiphanies thrown in your face or anything, but reading Quentin's thoughts almost makes it feel like you know what his dilemma is without him saying it. Most of John Green's novels have an important underlying message. The thing that I took away from this novel is that it made me so aware of how I am perceived by others. How do I present myself and is it a good representation of the real me? Am I different around different groups of people? Do I give off a good image of who I am on the inside? I think that I hide a lot of things from people, but that's because sometimes, I don't want people to see what's on the inside because it scares me. It takes a lot for me to trust someone enough to let them see the real me. I think I was able to relate to Margo a lot in that she has walls that are hard to break down. She comes off to everyone as a very strong willed person, but on the inside, she is confused and lonely and lost. And because she changed herself so much in order to hide the real Margo, even she forgot who the real Margo was. Her strings were breaking one by one. 

I really enjoyed this book. It may not have been full of heart-wrenching moments and it didn't make me cry for a week, but I thought it was a good mix of mystery and self awareness and love and just trying to figure out who people are, including ourselves. John Green always succeeds to make me think about the important things in life. 

Overall, I'd give this book an 8.5 out of 10. Cheers, John Green! Keep doing what you're doing.

If you want to check out an excerpt from the book, John Green himself will read it to you over on the vlogbrothers channel! I think it's such a beautiful thing to hear an author read their own book because you know that's exactly how it's supposed to sound.

x Christa

she will start a blog.

Hello internet! 

I thought that starting a blog would be a good idea in many ways. I tend to write a lot of things in a notebook that I never share with anyone. Maybe if I write them here I can get some insight on peoples' thoughts and feelings, and know that maybe I'm not the only one. This blog will probably contain a lot of things including book reviews, game reviews, favorite things, thoughts about life, my trials and tribulations, etc. Basically anything that's running through my brain that I think is worth writing down. 

So! I guess I'll start this with a little bit about myself. In the current moment in time and space, my name is Christa.

(Here's me dressed as a cheetah...don't worry, it was halloween.)

I'm 23 years old and I'm from the lovely state of Maryland. My best friend Lynn and I have a YouTube channel and food blog (along with appropriate social media platforms) called Buns on the Run. We do posts and videos about cooking, beauty, drinking, gaming, and just about anything you could think of. I think we have 16 subscribers right now, which is just fine with me. It's a really fun hobby that keeps us endlessly entertained. The other day was the 4th of July and we filmed an American and British trivia video with a friend of ours. So stay tuned for that gem!

In real life, I'm a lab tech. Basically I stab people with needles and mess around with bodily fluids. Sounds horrible, but it's really not that bad (plus, science!). 

I'm hoping that with this blog, I can give some advice on things that people aren't sure about, and that I can get some advice on things that I'm struggling with in everyday life. I look forward to the laughter and tears that I might be able to share with some internet friends! I hope everyone is having a lovely day or night, where ever you are in the world. Remember that we're all under the same sky.

Here are the links to our YouTube channel and food blog 

Check them out if you want to!

x Christa